Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
