I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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