true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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