well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize