I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
