I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
