my vag is so smooth its legendary
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize