she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
