Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
