this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Someone shattered a urinal.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
