I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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