i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
