I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
