I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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