apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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