How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
