I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
