not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
