My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
