Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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