Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
