When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
