Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
