So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
