Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
