I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my being single is dangerous.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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