I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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