I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
