Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
