Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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