just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
