Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize