I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize