I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
