if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So many bounce houses so little time
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
