is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
