I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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