That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
