Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
