i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
