I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
