WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
