dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
two words: eviction party
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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