where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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