his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
