Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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