so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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