I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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