The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
