I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
