I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
