I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
