Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
