I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
