Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
